I am a 32-year-old mother of three. I have been on remand for 24 months for trafficking dangerous drugs (methamphetamine), awaiting sentencing.
Family separation
My parents divorced when I was about seven years old. I lived with my grandparents, but I kept a very good relationship with my mom. Although I seldom saw her, I loved her very much. My mother remarried when I was in grade three. She moved to England with her new husband for a while. I pretended like nothing happened when I said goodbye to her at the airport. However, I secretly cried after she left. I remember she sent me a letter with £10 in it for my birthday that year. I cried each time I read through the letter. Six months later, my mom divorced again, returned to Hong Kong and I moved back to live with her. During primary school, I was a top-performing student, consistently ranking in the top ten of my class. In addition to my academic pursuits, I participated in many after-school activities and learned to play musical instruments. Piano lessons were paid for by my grandparents.
When I started secondary school, I met a new group of friends who were a year older than me. Since my mom was always at work, I was home alone most of the time. I began sneaking out to hang out with them, and that’s when I started smoking. We would spend time on the street and shoplift from the supermarket. Although we were caught and warned by the superintendent several times, I continued to run away, prompting my mom to report me to the police. I was eventually admitted to a girls’ home, and while the judge ordered me to adhere to a curfew, I repeatedly broke the condition. As a result, I was admitted and released from the Home three or four times.
Just before school term began, I secretly retrieved my ID card, stole around $7,000 from my grandfather’s wallet, and took a bus back to Hong Kong to find my friends. I spent all the money I had in about a week or two.
My family decided to send me to mainland China to continue my studies, and they paid a steep tuition fee for me to attend an international school there. Just before school term began, I secretly retrieved my ID card, stole around $7,000 from my grandfather’s wallet, and took a bus back to Hong Kong to find my friends. I spent all the money I had in about a week or two. When the money ran out, my friends and I robbed a random girl on the street. We took a few hundred dollars and her mobile phone. The very next day I got arrested. I was only 13 years old at the time.
First-time offender
Sentenced to 12 months at a girls’ home, I was warned multiple times for my bad behaviour. I even beat up another resident. Thus, I was convicted of violating a probation order and brought to the court again. The judge ordered me to Tai Tam Gap Correctional Institution. I had just turned 14, the legal age to enter a correctional institution. I was on remand for 21 days, and the judge sent me to a rehabilitation centre.
Life in the rehabilitation center was much harder than in the girls’ home. Every day, I had to polish shoes, exercise, and meticulously fold blankets. Newcomers were frequently bullied by old residents, and release from the rehabilitation center depended on one’s performance. With moderate behavior, one could generally be transferred to the halfway dormitory in four to six months and then released three months later. However, one still needed to abide by the supervision order for one year. Before I turned 16, I was caught twice for violating the supervision order.
While in the rehabilitation center, I met another group of friends, and I continued to stay in touch with them after I was released. We frequently took drugs together and went to discos.
All of my friends were drug addicts. Until I was about 17 years old, I was wanted by the rehabilitation center for almost two years, and finally, I was arrested again. I was pregnant when I got arrested, so I decided to terminate the pregnancy.
I started taking drugs at the age of 15 while working at a salon. This situation lasted for about a year. I was frequently late to work and would leave early. To earn money, I started selling drugs with my then-boyfriend. We started small but eventually expanded our network. All of my friends were drug addicts. When I was about 17 years old, I was wanted by the rehabilitation center for almost two years, and finally, I was arrested again. I was pregnant when I got arrested, so I decided to terminate the pregnancy.
I was released by the age of 18, and there was no more supervision order. I thought I could finally stay away from the correctional institution. I resumed taking and selling drugs after I was released. I also started working at a bar. Life at that time felt awesome. I earned a lot of money selling drugs. Working at the bar had become a hobby rather than a necessity.
When I was 19, I was arrested again for carrying drugs on me. Due to the small amount, I was allowed to be on bail. However, I did not attend the court order on time. Thus, I was wanted again.
My best friend Bobo
I had a very good friend named Bobo. We worked together, played together, took drugs together, and we lived together. When I turned 20 years old, Bobo committed suicide… that incident was very traumatising for me.
I had been busy selling drugs at that time, and I was always away from home. Bobo would be at home, calling me every three to four hours to make sure I was safe. She was constantly worrying that I would get caught. Bobo used to have a stable boyfriend who stayed with her during that time. Bobo and I would only meet every two to three days. I would bring her drugs every time I went home, so she didn’t have to spend money paying for her own.
Bobo called me and told me to come back home quickly because something had happened to her boyfriend. I rushed back immediately. When I arrived, I saw that Bobo had tied up her boyfriend. He was yelling constantly as if he were possessed by a demon. It turned out that he had taken a lot of methamphetamines throughout the night, which had led to hallucinations. He stopped yelling after a while, probably due to exhaustion. I then untied his hands and feet. Unexpectedly, he suddenly jumped up, rushed out of the door with just his undershirt and boxers, and didn’t even have his shoes on. Both Bobo and I were confused and didn’t know what to do. Eventually, we heard that he had been taken back to the police station and then transferred to a hospital.
Bobo’s boyfriend was released from the hospital two months later. He then broke up with her because his family was strongly against them being together. Bobo was devastated. I stayed with her 24/7 for two to three days at a friend’s home. I had to put all drug orders on hold during that time. We took drugs three days in a row. We all got tired by the fourth day. Bobo told me to resume work, as she saw my phone kept ringing. She said she would head home and rest, and told me to contact her after I finished working. I thought she was stable and calm so I gave her $500 to take a taxi home.
I went to do my drug deliveries. Since I stopped working for three days, there were many orders to handle and I worked till around 7-8 p.m. That’s when I realised Bobo hadn’t called me. I called her but she didn’t pick up. I thought she was asleep. I called her again at around 9 or 10 p.m. but again she didn’t pick up. I kept calling and felt very anxious. At around 11 p.m. I rushed over to her home and knocked on her door multiple times. I asked her neighbour for help. We figured out in the end that she used tape to seal all the windows and doors and committed suicide by burning charcoal at home. She left a suicide note saying that she was defeated by love. However, I suspected that it was the drugs that had weaken her will.
This incident hit me hard. I took more meth trying to let go of my feeling, and I got pregnant again. I was on the wanted list. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t to the hospital for regular obstetric checkups, worrying that I would get arrested. I was depressed and stayed at home every day taking drugs, sleeping, taking drugs again after waking up, and hurting myself with an exacto knife. Then one day, I couldn’t bear the pressure and wanted to commit suicide. I lived on the 32nd floor, and the window in the room had no grilles, so I just sat on the window frame and kept crying. Despite my fear of heights, I didn’t feel afraid at the time. In the end, I was discovered by a neighbour who alerted my boyfriend’s mother who lived next door, and she then called the police for help. I was finally back to reality when I was saved by the police. I didn’t even realise that the police entered the house and into my room. Thinking back, I didn’t know what I was doing, and I couldn’t explain why I wanted to die so easily. I was eventually arrested since I was on the wanted list, and they found drugs and tools in my home. I was admitted to a rehab center when I was five months pregnant.
When darkness overcame me
Between the ages of 17 to 21, I had many dark moments, including having a bad relationship with my family and breaking up with my boyfriend. I used to hurt myself frequently with the exacto knife and got admitted to the hospital. I have 17 stitches due to this habit. I realised that my negative emotions got magnified after taking drugs, but I still took it anyway as i felt a temporary sense of relief. It had also become a shared interest among my friends circle. I got admitted to the rehab centre for about six months when I was 21. My daughter was born around the time when I got released from the rehab centre. I resumed taking drugs on the first day after I got released. My daughter’s father found out about it and as a result, he broke up with me and took our daughter away.
Our arguments escalated, and he began physically abusing me, with the violence increasing each time.
I eventually met a man and we began selling drugs together. We also started a romantic relationship, and I became pregnant again. However, this man had an affair and developed a gambling addiction during my pregnancy. Our arguments escalated, and he began physically abusing me, with the violence increasing each time.
At one point, I was stopped at a police roadblock for a car inspection. Unfortunately, I was arrested for carrying a small amount of methamphetamine. There were three people in the car, including myself as a passenger. Thankfully, I was able to be bailed out and gave birth to my second daughter afterward.
During that time, I was broke because my then-boyfriend had lost all our money through gambling. I didn’t have the money to buy drug supplies to sell, but I had just given birth to my second daughter and needed money for diapers and milk formula. So, I started working at a bar again. My daughter was only a month old at that time. I received around $3,000 as my first week’s salary, and I immediately used this money to buy drugs to resell and make more money.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend beat me even harder during this time. Despite this, I didn’t leave him because we had our daughter together. I got arrested gain about 20 days after I gave birth to my third child. He’s now 2 years old. I totally missed his time growing up. My grandparents also encountered health issues during this time.
Reflecting on the last decade of my life, I have been in and out of prison multiple times and have broken the hearts of my family. All because of drugs, I have wasted so much time leading an unstable life. Perhaps, if I had chosen my older daughter and her father over drugs at that time, I would be living a stable life with a family now.
Note: This letter has been translated and edited from its original in Chinese. Switch language to read the original letter.