I have been arrested for drug trafficking and drug possession. I am 35 years old and have been using drugs since I was 15. I was introduced to drugs by my boyfriend at that time. We primarily consumed drugs at discos. I was influenced by my boyfriend and other friends, and I got involved out of curiosity, a desire for excitement, and peer pressure. At that time, I thought drugs were fashionable.
I lived with my parents and my older sister. After finishing secondary school, I lived a carefree lifestyle. At 19, I committed my first drug possession offence and received a two-week probation sentence. This incident led my mother to monitor me closely. Unfortunately, I then committed another drug possession offense, which resulted in my sentencing to a drug rehabilitation center.
During my time in the rehabilitation centre, I met more drug addicts like myself. Over the years, I was in and out of the rehabilitation centre several times. Initially, I consumed ketamine, but my health deteriorated and I suffered greatly from its side effects. I didn’t want to continue living like that.
With my family’s encouragement, I attended Narcotics Anonymous meetings and stayed in a Christian rehabilitation dormitory. In my weakest and most helpless moments, I found God. However, I relapsed. My boyfriend at the time was also a drug addict with bi-polar disorder, which led me to associate with more cocaine users. The number of drug-using friends grew, and I was eventually arrested by the police. I received a prison sentence of two years and four months.
After my release in 2019, aged 31, I entered into a relationship with a man who had a significant impact on my life. However, he later got involved in drug trafficking and use. Our lives changed as he transformed into a different person, hurling insults, being unfaithful, and subjecting me to emotional abuse. I endured a great deal of suffering, foolishly hoping that catering to his desires would make him change. This caused me to experience depression, anxiety, and sadness, leading to chronic eczema all over my body, which I still have.
…the temporary pleasure drugs provided only worsened my negative thoughts, increased my anxiety and depression, and led to self-harm. The problems weren’t solved, they only created more issues and caused me to lose my freedom.
To avoid worrying my family, I moved out and made new friends. They knew I had a place and money from my father, so they would come over to get high. I started relying on and abusing cocaine to cope with stress and numb myself. These friends seemed caring when I was in despair, but I later realized they were using me for my place and asking me to store drugs. I got caught and none of them visited me at the police station. Strangely, I felt relief after being arrested. However, the temporary pleasure drugs provided only worsened my negative thoughts, increased my anxiety and depression, and led to self-harm. The problems weren’t solved, they only created more issues and caused me to lose my freedom.
Arrest and imprisonment
I was last arrested by the police in May 2021. I stayed in touch with my family during the initial period, as if nothing had happened, but they became worried when they suddenly couldn’t find me. I was afraid of their disappointment and anger. But eventually, I informed them about my situation. Only my father came to visit me, and I knew that my family was deeply disappointed and heartbroken. My father was already old and in poor health, but he has never abandoned me.
During that time, a male friend who was also a drug user visited me frequently, expressing his affection towards me and promising to help me find a lawyer. Due to my father’s health issues, he couldn’t visit often, so I trusted this friend and gave him my father’s phone number to keep him updated on my situation.
However, during one of my father’s visits, he asked if I had a lawyer handling my case. It turned out that this friend had been claiming to visit me but didn’t have the means to buy anything for me or hire a lawyer. He had asked money from my father, and my father said he gave him tens of thousands of dollars in total. I suddenly realized the situation and felt a deep sense of sadness and anger because this guy took advantage of my father’s love. The money was given privately by my father because my mother was still angry with me and opposed using money to hire a lawyer for me.
Later on, this male friend continued to deceive and threaten me, even going as far as threatening to inform my mother about the situation. He kept evading me, and I felt deeply hurt and remorseful. I hated myself for causing my family to worry about the friends I made.
After a year in pretrial detention, I was transferred to another correctional institution where I currently live. My daily routine involves writing letters and reading books. There is no freedom and every action requires approval. Communication with family and friends mostly happens through letters due to the distance. Each day is spent waiting—for meals, visits, and mail. It’s challenging, and I feel guilty for burdening my supportive family. Living here is difficult, with strict discipline and sharing space with people I don’t get along with, each having different personalities. Conflict is constant, and there are instances of bullying. Unfortunately, no one offers help.
There is plenty of time for reflection here in prison. I often think about my family, and my so-called friends never come to visit me now that I am imprisoned. The person I loved couldn’t wait for me and gave up on me. I feel helpless.
In mid-May, my father had a stroke and I couldn’t be with him. I regret my actions and the burdens I’ve brought to my family. I’m grateful for God in my heart and my family’s selfless love that gives me peace and motivation. It helps me pick myself up and have hope for the future when I re-enter society. I’m determined to start fresh and live a fulfilling life. Looking back at the past 20 years, I was trapped in drug addiction, aimlessness, and wasted my youth.
A word of warning
I sincerely warn everyone that drugs are a terrible choice. The desire to fit in and indulge in youth is a mistaken belief. Drugs have entangled me for over 20 years, significantly impacting my life. They have severely damaged my urinary system, causing frequent urination, bladder inflammation, nephritis, and stomach pain, which have hindered my social life. Initially, friends offered drugs for free, but once I unknowingly became addicted, they took advantage of me. It’s crucial to learn to say NO and not fear exclusion, as these people are not genuine friends. It’s important to distance oneself from harmful crowds and build a new circle of friends.
(Drugs) have severely damaged my urinary system, causing frequent urination, bladder inflammation, nephritis, and stomach pain, which have hindered my social life.
One should never engage in drug trafficking for quick money as it sacrifices one’s future and leads to imprisonment. The lack of freedom, constant supervision, and impact on loved ones make it a difficult experience. Family members have to travel long distances to visit remote prisons and worry about my life inside. They also have to face other relatives and bear the burden of my actions, for which I feel deeply guilty.
For the past 20 years, my family has been troubled by my problems. My mother was angry with me and only came to visit me after I had been in prison for six months. Despite their scolding during these visits, I acknowledge that I am at fault. Witnessing my family aging and my father recently suffering a stroke while I am incarcerated and unable to assist them places an even heavier burden on them.
Drugs only offer temporary pleasure, but internally they fill a person with negative thoughts, depression, repression, and a complete lack of hope for the future. Using drugs is the biggest regret of my life, as it has caused damage to my physical health and wasted a significant amount of time. I have now thoroughly reflected on my mistakes and am firmly committed to never coming into contact with drugs again.
My hope
I love animals, so after I get out, I will study pet grooming and cut off ties with my harmful friends. I appreciate the encouragement and support from my family, friends, and the church. In prison, I have been working hard to make improvements in my daily life, set higher standards for myself, think positively, choose friends carefully, study theology, and rely on the Lord. I have also sought psychiatric help for my emotional issues and adopted positive therapies instead of turning to drugs for stress relief.
I hope nobody gets involved in drug trafficking, risking their lives and causing harm to society. I still experience some long-lasting effects from drugs that will stay with me forever. Using drugs is a permanent decision. Don’t think you can control them because once you encounter them, they take control of you. Be cautious about trusting friends to protect your youth. Don’t bring sadness and disappointment to your loved ones. Success comes from many failures and persistent efforts.
Note: This letter has been translated and edited from its original in Chinese. Switch language to read the original letter.