On 29 May 2021, I was arrested for involvement in a conspiracy to traffic dangerous drugs, and I have now been on remand for nearly four years.
When I was 16, I met my ex-husband, and through him I was introduced to drugs. At that time, I still resisted using them, but because I was deeply in love, I thought that I had to take drugs with him in order to fit into his life. At 18, I became pregnant. We were doing well then — we both quit drugs to welcome our first child, the fruit of our love.
After the baby was born and until he turned one, because of life’s pressures we got involved in drug trafficking again. My ex-husband was the one selling the drugs, while I stayed at home to take care of our son.
In 2002, my ex-husband went to prison for drug offences. I had nothing left, so I went back to my family and told them I had been using drugs. My family are Christians. My mother was very good to me — she arranged for me to go into Barnabas Rehabilitation Centre, and she took care of my son.
A year later, my ex-husband was released from prison, and I left the rehab centre. Soon after, I became pregnant again and gave birth to our daughter in 2024. The government assigned us a public housing flat. We thought we would be happy as a family of four, but it turned out my ex-husband had other women outside, and he shattered my world many times.
When I found out he had cheated for the first time, I was still pushing the baby stroller and taking our daughter to church. But when I arrived, while the congregation was singing hymns, my ears couldn’t hear anything at all. I was terrified. I left my daughter at church and went to take drugs with a friend who sold drugs — only then did I feel calm.
After this incident, I didn’t dare tell anyone. I returned to church to pick up my daughter, but in my heart I wanted to take revenge on my ex-husband. So I spent my days caring for my children, and once they were asleep, I would go out to discos every night. To support both my children and my own spending, the only thing I could do was sell ketamine at the nightclub.
When the disco scene in Hong Kong declined, I switched to selling meth (“ice”). I had never been to prison before, so I was fearless and unafraid — I even crossed into Mainland China to collect ice myself and brought it back through the border.
In 2011, I was sentenced to a drug addiction treatment centre for drug offences. I was released the following year, and managed to stay clean for about a year. But in 2013, I was arrested again with a friend for drug trafficking. At the time, I truly didn’t think it was a problem, because my friend had just asked me to collect money — I had no idea it involved drugs until I was arrested.
In my current case, I was used and manipulated to run drugs for my boyfriend because both of us were using drugs. My boyfriend had a proper full-time job, and I was also doing online sales.
This time, my case involves multiple types of drugs, and I am facing many years in prison. My family has stopped visiting me. My parents are elderly, and I dare not ask them to come.
During my remand period, I wanted to enrol in courses to improve myself, but my family could not help me, and I dared not ask them again. Being here is truly a test of one’s willpower. From the beginning, when I wanted to fight my case, to now — almost four years later — all my will has been worn away. I am already 44 years old and still have to face such a long imprisonment, all because I didn’t know how to choose the right friends. Deep down I knew it was wrong, but in order to fit in, I followed them and kept making mistakes until now…
I have not only harmed my own body, but also hurt my family. My only hope is that when I have served my sentence, my parents will still be alive — that is my one wish. I want to be a filial daughter again.
A sudden awakening
On the morning of 29 May 2021, while I was asleep, the police suddenly burst into my home and arrested me. I was woken up without having any idea what was happening. My boyfriend and I were handcuffed straight away. Because my drug case involved a 15-year-old boy. When we got to the police station, the officers even accused my boyfriend and me of “messing with a kid.” We honestly didn’t know this boy was only 15. He was actually hired by our boss who controlled the drug trafficking — in a way, he was also our co‑worker. At the police station, I had zero contact with the outside world.
At that time, it was during the pandemic, and because my boyfriend and I were coughing, we were sent to the hospital. It was only during the four days in hospital that I could use the opportunity to notify my mother.
The first person to visit me while on remand was my son. He asked me, “Why is it that when there were no drugs at home, the police could still arrest you?” I didn’t know how to answer him. Deep down, I thought that as long as there were no drugs in the house, nothing could happen — but I was wrong. When my son asked how long I would be in prison, I didn’t dare answer him.
I knew I was facing at least 10 to 12 years in prison. At the time, my daughter was preparing for her DSE exams. I was so worried my absence would affect her studies. Thankfully, my mother supported me and helped her. Later, my daughter was accepted to university — something I am very grateful for. The regret comes from knowing I will never have the chance to attend her graduation. Every time she visits, she asks me when I can come home. Her graduation will be in 2026. I regret it deeply.
As for my friends, during my first year inside, they still visited often. But when I no longer had any money to give them, they abandoned me. I’ve learned that in the world of drugs, there are no true friends. Over these years, at night when I’m alone, I keep thinking about why I did what I did. I want to tell my family to visit me more often, but I can’t bear to make them travel such a long way just to see me for 15 minutes. Since I’m already here, I don’t want to trouble them any further.
So in here, I applied to work inside prison so that I could buy the daily necessities I need myself. Life inside has made me reflect and understand that sometimes a simple life is already a blessing. At the time of this letter, I have been separated from my family for nearly four years. Even though I think of the outside world a lot, I cannot show it in front of the staff. Showing strong feelings, whether joy or sadness, will mean they arrange for you to see a psychologist — but I am afraid of facing too many people, so I sometimes choose to stay silent. Sometimes, the only time I can cry is late at night when everyone is asleep. Isn’t this what they call “seeing a smiling face hiding half a life of sorrow”?
I still often write letters home, but they have never written back to me. I know they receive my letters, and I don’t blame them for not replying. In here, I have nothing but time; outside, they have their own lives. Because of my own mistakes, I can no longer take part in their lives.
Facing a long sentence
This time I am here because of conspiracy to traffic dangerous drugs. My lawyer told me that I could be facing 23 years and four months of imprisonment. To me, that feels like my whole life is over.
I got involved because I was greedy to earn fast money, and because I allowed so-called friends to take advantage of me. Out of my own foolishness, I thought that simply following my handler’s orders to arrange for an underage youth to make deliveries meant I could stay uninvolved. But that was not the reality — even if I never physically touched the drugs myself, the fact that I carried out those actions was already wrong.
In this world, the only people truly worth trusting are family. Because I got involved with drugs, the friends around me were all drug users, and in this drug circle, most people only act for their own interest. During this time, I have deeply reflected on why I was so greedy to make easy money that I ended up facing so many years in prison.
I used to work as a saleslady, but because of drug use, I went down this road of no return. Looking back, I had a good family and both a son and a daughter.
Not only have I lost my freedom, but I have also deprived my children of a mother. Even though my income as a saleslady wasn’t much, if I hadn’t used drugs, it would have been enough to live on.
During these four years on remand, I now realise that life can be simple and still be full of happiness. In the years of imprisonment ahead, I will work hard to improve myself, so that after I am released, society will accept me again. As a rehabilitated person, I only ask for one chance. I believe that with determination to turn over a new leaf and stay away from bad friends, I can truly become a better person.
Note: This letter has been translated and edited from Chinese. Switch language to read the original letter.