When I was still a baby, I was abandoned by my parents and left alone at home until an auntie and the police broke in and rescued me. After that, my life became a story of being passed around like a ball from one relative to another. One relative would look after me for a while, then another, with no stable home.
When I was very young, I already heard a lot of cold remarks and criticisms about my parents, saying my parents were drug addicts, triad members, and bad people.
Later, some relatives even spoke badly about my grandmother, saying she gave birth to my mother just to serve others, and now she has another grandchild who is “handless and footless” (a derogatory way to describe helplessness). I remember from age four to eight when my grandmother looked after me: my grandfather was a film lighting technician and was often out of the house for long periods. My grandmother worked in the costume department of a TV station from 10am to 10pm, so I went to kindergarten on my own by taking the school bus downstairs and came home by myself. When I got home, my grandmother would leave food on the table before going to work. This was my life until I was eight years old, when grandmother sent me over to my great-aunt, who lived in a different district, so I also changed schools.
Things improved a bit then because my great-aunt had many children who could help me with homework, but it was still hard because before that, no one cared if I did homework, tests, or dictation, so my grades were always poor, and I was unmotivated to learn. A year later, halfway my Primary 4 year, I moved into a children’s home and stayed there until Secondary 2.
One day, after school, when I came back to the home, I saw my grandparents, a woman, and a man. The woman was my mother, and the man was my stepfather. They said there was a special meeting because they wanted to take me to live with them. Of course, I was willing – it was so new and exciting! Wow! I finally had a mom and a dad.
But two months later, I regretted it terribly. Once I messed up, I stopped getting any allowance, and I found out my mom was still using drugs. Then I stopped going to school. I went back to live with my grandmother, whose friend introduced me to be an apprentice in a hair salon. During this period, I met more and more people and even went drinking and singing karaoke with colleagues. Before I was 18, I even went to discos.
My first time using drugs was because a friend of a friend gave me Ketamine. Wow! After taking it, I forgot everything, including the unhappy things. From then on, I often went to discos, taking not only Ketamine but also ecstasy. At that time, drugs felt like a soulmate to me, and I even hung out with friends whose family backgrounds were similar to mine. The feeling was just that we had similar backgrounds and would not be looked down upon. So we often gathered to party and take drugs. Eventually, I lost my job and moved out to live with friends, never returning home.
So what happened next? I moved out, had no job, but of course, I still had to pay rent!
At this time, a friend introduced someone to me, saying I could make quick money, at least $1,000 a day. I didn’t hesitate at all! One thousand dollars a day was a lot for me back then, as an apprentice in a hair salon making only $2,000-$3,000 a month.
It turned out that the job was dealing drugs (cocaine dissolved in soda). On the first day, I was scared, but when I got paid over a thousand dollars that day, I was no longer afraid. Getting paid immediately meant money in hand. After two days, I was making more than from working, so why not continue? So I kept doing it until a month later when the police caught me, and I was sentenced to a juvenile drug rehabilitation center.
Don’t think that getting addicted to drugs is a small matter, and don’t assume you can easily quit whenever you want. If you underestimate how greatly drugs can ruin your life, that behavior is extremely naive and very dangerous.
After getting out, I connected with other former inmates and started using drugs again, this time even methamphetamine. I stayed with my grandmother for a while after release, but eventually I moved out because my grandfather said I wasn’t working. So I left, dealing drugs again to make ends meet, eventually distributing larger quantities. Of course, the more you distribute, the more money you make. I used to believe that only with money would no one look down on you, no matter your family background or education level. Also, having money meant no one would say you were useless or hear cold remarks from relatives.
But with that, of course, came the fate of imprisonment. I have been in and out of drug rehabilitation centers four or five times, from juvenile to adult centers. And in 2022, I was caught with 1 kilogram of cocaine, charged with trafficking and manufacturing drugs.
CRIME COMES WITH CONSEQUENCES
During this period of being incarcerated, I felt extremely helpless because when I was arrested, my home had already been evicted, and I couldn’t contact friends in time to help me pack my things. So everything in the house was gone without a trace – my clothes, shoes, computer, my pet, my bags, basically everything that belonged to me was lost.
Also, I have no parents or family. When I first came here, no one visited me, not even to bring me something as simple as shampoo. At night, when I went to sleep, I would wonder if it was really worth going to jail for such a small mistake. I lost everything and had many worries, fearing that by the time I got out, the world would have changed so much that I would know nothing.
I once saw a news story about a notorious murderer getting released from prison, and people found it strange to see him on the subway. I never expected that it would be me who would become that person.
Now, there’s no way out. Being imprisoned means losing freedom. Here, whatever you do is monitored; there are cameras everywhere, even when you sleep, you can be recorded! How can anyone not feel stressed living like this? Any person with normal intelligence would not want this life!
There are no phones to use whenever you want, no internet, no air-conditioning – life here feels no different from ancient times. The worst thing is that winter here is colder than outside, and summer is hotter. In summer, I get rashes all over my body. It itches and hurts because it’s too stuffy here, and the rashes don’t heal easily; it even gets worse. In short, prison life is not like what you imagine; it’s definitely not “do whatever you want.” Your daily schedule is arranged and you cannot refuse. You only have to behave yourself and wait for the correctional officers to supervise you.
Besides, being in prison is very painful. Why? It’s not just hot and stuffy here; there are tons of mosquitoes and bugs biting, and even cockroaches. Though there are visiting hours, only 15 minutes are allowed – how much can you really say in 15 minutes? It’s hard enough for yourself, and hard for your friends and family to come visit and spend such a limited time with you, with all the hassle of transportation. What’s the point? If I could choose again, I definitely wouldn’t have committed a crime and gone to prison. If I still had my family, I know they wouldn’t want me to live this kind of prison life.
Don’t think that getting addicted to drugs is a small matter, and don’t assume you can easily quit whenever you want. If you underestimate how greatly drugs can ruin your life, that behavior is extremely naive and very dangerous. Once you fall once and look back, it may already be too late. Like me, at first I thought TV ads, radio stations, and posters warning people not to touch drugs were exaggerated, and I thought: “Really? Is it that serious?” I even thought the government’s anti-drug campaigns were unnecessary. Now looking back, it’s not an exaggeration at all. Because if you touch drugs, naturally you will meet people who sell drugs through other users. Then it’s no longer just taking drugs, but also selling them. You harm yourself and many others. You end up in prison and hurt others. Because using drugs and then selling drugs, you might even harm others and eventually get caught.
If I were to describe drugs as the devil, that would be very accurate. I hope everyone doesn’t commit crimes just for temporary gain, because you will regret it for life – that’s a very unwise choice.
Also, never try drugs just because someone asks you to. Don’t think a little bit won’t hurt. My biggest mistake was just that. Now I am facing imprisonment—the judge sentenced me to about 25 years, and even with a one-third reduction, I still have to serve more than 10 years.
If I had not befriended those bad people at the beginning, not taken that first hit of drugs, and not been greedy to make quick money… I don’t think I would end up like this, having to spend more than 10 years in prison. How many ten-year periods does a person have in life? Spending more than 10 years behind bars is such a waste.
Why not choose freedom? Though working a job can be hard and doesn’t pay as well as quick money, at least you live like a normal person. Work and rest, even if earn less money, but at least you don’t have to suffer prison life, wasting time, and hardship.
Now I truly realize my mistakes, know life is full of hope, and the future depends on me. After getting out, I will live well, make up my mind, and honestly find a proper job. Even if it’s hard, I will endure. I will remember this brutal prison life.
I hope, if anyone happens to read this letter, please never break the law and always think twice before doing anything. Don’t give yourself the chance to be imprisoned. Because prison life is not fun or a game, and you will regret it for life.