This is my first time writing a letter. Let me introduce myself.
I have been on remand for one and a half years for drug trafficking. I’ve lost a lot during this time.
I couldn’t face my dad at first and I only agreed to let him visit me a month ago. It has been a roller coaster ride for me but I’ve felt more relieved once I started seeing my dad again although he doesn’t bring me much good news. Bad things keep piling on me. My girlfriend decided to end our relationship, and my grandmother got into an accident that has gotten her paralysed. All of these things happened within the same month.
I blame myself for not being able to do anything at moment. If I were out there, perhaps my grandmother wouldn’t have gotten into that accident. And if I were out there, my girlfriend wouldn’t have left me. I’m very lost with all these questions.
My grandmother was my main caregiver. I was born into a family of drug addicts. I witnessed my parents taking drugs when I was still a primary school student. Even though I didn’t exactly know what it was at the time, I knew it was something bad. My parents got arrested and went to prison for drug use. They divorced when I was still young and I was only able to spend time with them during my secondary school years.
When I was in my third year of secondary school I started working part-time jobs to support myself and moved out to live by myself as soon as I turned 18. Later on, I became friends with a man that belonged to a gang. I met him at one of my workplaces. Once, he was arrested and sent to prison, and after his release, he got in touch with me. He asked if I was interested in earning some ‘quick’ cash. At that time I had just lost my job due to the COVID-19 pandemic so I accepted his offer. I got arrested on my first day on the ‘job’ I was planning to quit after the first day as I knew it was not the right thing to do. Who would’ve expected that I would be arrested just like that?
The ‘quick’ money doesn’t justify the ruined lives. Think carefully before you take any decision. Think about yourself, your family and those around you.
My emotions and feelings during my first month on remand are hard to describe. I couldn’t sleep at night and had so much on my mind. How naive of me to think I would be released within one and a half years. I was in total despair once reality hit as I had never imagined that I would have to face a much longer sentence. But I chose the wrong path, I now realize that I will miss out on a lot of things. I’ve hurt many people and myself.
The time has come for me to straighten up my path and start over while I’m in here. Drug trafficking isn’t any better than drug addiction. There is a big difference also when it comes to sentences between drug possession and drug trafficking.
Note: This letter is a combined text from three letters shared between June and August 2022. It has been translated from its original in Chinese. It has been edited for the cohesiveness of the story. Switch language to read the original letters.